Blame and guilt.

I have such a hard time with this one. blame and guilt. I blamed him and then during our early morning talks that continued into the months...he would blame me. He would literally say, "You did this! You made this decision!" He was so angry, and it made me feel as if I had abandoned him. We were going to get married, through thick and thin, sickness and health... and this is why I felt so much guilt. I should have stuck it out, because I chose to love him.

I recently have gone to a therapist to try to help me through this dark time. I stopped going because it felt like I was opening up a would each time (and it's fucking expensive). I didn't have anything else to tell her. She told me I am mourning his loss, which I am. I now have to turn the cheek and let go, completely. He's gone. I have to pretend he's dead, which is so hard because then I want to put flowers on his grave.

When I told the therapist that I was feeling a sense of guilt, she told asked me why? Well, it was because I was blaming myself for not trying harder. But then she asked a really great question. She said, "How?" Then I really had to dig. How could I have made it work - even more than I did? She was so right, I couldn't. I hung on and hung on until I was holding on with a piece of floss.

During our relationship, towards the end - for months and months, I had been getting more and more desperate. Looking towards the outside world saying how much I wanted a boyfriend who wanted to do things with me, things that I wanted to do. Someone who would come home... that's the point I was at when I broke it off. I was at my last straw. I even said to him a few hours later that I would give me another chance and within 24 hours of that, I just couldn't. I was so tired of his behavior, I couldn't do it any longer. I blamed him, it was his fault that he hadn't listened to me about what I needed as a partner from him. It was all his fault! It made me so angry. And for those 5/6 months after we broke up, I was feeling good. I was feeling free and happy.

After those months were up, is when he started to get angry and then he started blaming me. And I believed him. I had started to not only feeling guilty for breaking it off and not trying harder, but that I disconnected from the relationship as soon as I broke it off. I started dating someone right away. I slept with someone else just three weeks after the split. I felt like a piece of shit.

He hurt me, and then I hurt him. We both were blaming each other and our selves. The way he dealt or in fact, didn't deal with his his guilt and blame was drugs and alcohol.

I told him on our last fatal phone conversation in May 2009, that I forgave him and I wanted to know when he was going to forgive me. He said, "I will never forgive you." I then proceeded to cry harder and louder; to the point where I was hyperventilating in my bed. I woke my roommate up and she had to physically pick me up off the floor that night. That was the last time I spoke to him. He tried to text me a few weeks later about an inside joke we once shared and tried to pretend like things were hunky-dory. (Is that how you fucking spell that?) But I didn't answer. He then tried to call me and tell me that he would pay the cell phone bill that he owed me. I didn't answer.

Then the anniversary of his father's death rolled around. We were together when he died, I was at his side during the whole thing. I didn't say much, I just was there, I held his hand through it all. I tried not to make any communication with him because he didn't deserve my attention. July 4, 2009. I did however wrote his mother and told her she was in my thoughts. On July 6, the cloud sent me another text and was looking for some sympathy. But I felt I had to respond since it involved something too sensitive.

It's been hard for us both and we are both dating other people. I'm struggling with my current relationship obviously because I'm still so in love with the cloud. There's not a day that goes by I don't wonder about him, if he's ok. I'm just waiting for the day to hear he's OD'd. Addicts love one thing and one thing only and that's the drug.

How do I get over him? If anyone has any secrets let me know, because no matter how angry I've been, I always forgive him. One day I hope to look back at this time and not hate it but rather rejoice it because it made me who I will be. I better be one strong cookie, but this shit fucking sucks.